Author: Pete Schloss

The Bonds of Toxic Love

Posted on by Pete Schloss

Sisyphus, that tortured soul from Greek mythology (and the inspiration for Dante’s fourth circle of hell), was doomed for eternity to endlessly roll a boulder to the top of a hill only to have it roll back down just before he reached the summit. It is a strong metaphor of herculean effort, searing pain, and intolerable frustration, followed by defeat playing out in an endless loop. Over the years I have associated this image with the lives of many people that I have encountered as an attorney and Mediator.

Relationships which have their roots in addiction, abuse, deceit, or dysfunction are stones such as Sisyphus was partnered with. These are relationships where one person appears to assert a superhuman effort to push for the preservation of the relationship, enduring physical and emotional pain, frustration, and finally failure. If it ended there, then the comparison to the struggles of Sisyphus would fail. However, like Sisyphus there are some souls who immediately return to that “stone” (or another like it) to renew the effort, pain, disappointment and defeat. Why? No doubt hundreds of books have been written on the subject by researchers, psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers. Jerry Springer has made a fortune show-placing the lives of folks caught up in this revolving door. I am an attorney, not a social scientist. However, attorneys are usually keen observers of human interaction. We represent people who are caught up in dysfunctional relationships.

Any experienced family lawyer can tell of storied divorces which played out to conclusion only to have the client return to the office a few years later with the same problems, just a different spouse… sometimes even the same spouse! We scratch our heads, shrug our shoulders and go forward to represent the client to the best of our abilities.

At the end of a divorce proceeding I usually offered a straightforward piece of advice to my client, “Please, do not become engaged in a committed relationship for at least two years.” Occasionally a client would ask “why”, but more often there would be a polite smile and no other acknowledgement of my remark.

I believe that we develop habits of interpersonal interaction and communication. Some of these habits are formed by our experiences as children observing our parents’ relationship. A child raised in a household with spousal violence faces the likelihood of growing up to either be an abuser or a victim of abuse. Some habits of interaction are impressed upon the inexperienced and malleable by the object of their affection. Witness the case of a naïve teen who runs away with a man of ill intention, or one who blindly follows a cult leader. One who is raised in a household burdened by dysfunction has a greater likelihood of becoming an adult member of just such a household. Of course, some of these habits are formed merely as the fallout from a long decomposing relationship.

Why fall victim to the repetition of such misery? Familiarity, no matter how painful, may still be more comfortable than that which is unfamiliar. If a person has learned only one dance step, then that person will naturally tend to dance with the people who dance the same step. Selecting a dance partner who dances to a different beat is uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and threatens to make one look inept or foolish. Learning a new dance takes time, effort, and courage.

Many clients have said “I’m done with marriage forever” but missed the point that they were not done with relationships. I think that real change takes two years, but not two years sitting on one’s hands. This kind of change requires a good support system, counselling, and at the very least “new playmates and a new playground”. It also takes the acceptance that there are things that cannot be changed (the other person), it takes courage to change the things that one can change (oneself), and wisdom to know the difference.

Like Sisyphus, we may make our own hell in this world by trying to change the other person, confusing relationship with endurance. Had Sisyphus taken a 2 year break he might have found the insight to leave that stone for someone else to bear. Of course, that would have been Dante Alighieri’s loss.

Peace Everyone. Pete

(Posted May 28, 2015, amended February 13, 2018)

Searching for Neverland

Posted on by Pete Schloss

“”Second Star to the Right, and Straight on till Morning.” That, Peter had told Wendy, was the way to Neverland.” (From “Peter Pan”, by J. M. Barrie)

We have sought Neverland at the tiller of a sailboat. We have searched from the handlebars of a bicycle. Our feet tread the 1,000 year old path of Pilgrims in Spain. Beginning in May, 2015 we have sought it along the roads of North America. Our choices are to either travel the Interstate system or choose the “Blue Star Highways” of America.

The Interstates are beasts of concrete and steel, creature of post World War 2 prosperity and expansion in America. They are a monument to the ability of mankind to wrestle nature’s boundaries and obstructions into submission. They are byways without passion or soul, roads known only by a number and a direction. The Interstate is blunt force that catapults the traveler from one place to another as a bow shoots an arrow.
The Blue Star highways are highways in name only. Now less traveled, they were born in the distant past and were later dedicated to the memory of US soldiers fallen in World War 2. Their courses are typically determined by nature, some portions by the pre-Columbian residents, and other sections by early European explorers. They make a path in compromise with the natural lay of the land. There are only gentle modifications to grade and course. Unlike the Interstate, which blasts through a hill in order to maintain direction and grade, The Blue Stars meander on and around the rise and fall of the land, like a ribbon uncoiling from its spool.

The Blue Stars are living roads that have a personality, they have a soul. I grew to know these roads well during my bicycle ride across America in 2010. Then I was captive to their course, and emotions. As I peddled, a road would smile seductively with her long slow descending curves. At times I was embraced by the safety of a wide flat shoulder but with caprice her mood would change. The shoulder would become a sliver of pavement, the road forcing me uncomfortably close to the onslaught of the wheels of thundering lumber trucks. Her gentle slope would suddenly turn skyward to challenge my legs and my lungs. She could be calm with the smoothness of new laid asphalt or she would thunder anger through my thin tires, shaking me bodily as I rolled over broken and rough damaged pavement. A change in the wind speed, direction, or temperature would either brush my cheek as a kiss, or smack me in the face with force.

The Interstate is a wasteland. In some parts of the country a place which is available to serve travelers with food and fuel is appropriately named an Oasis. People are only permitted within its boundaries if encased in or astride upon a motor vehicle. The Interstate separates us from the environment and creates its own. There are no sounds, no smells, and the sights are relegated to the distance in favor of declarations of speed, distance, and destination.

As one meanders through town and village following upon a “Blue Star” there are dogs to chase you, and children to waive at. Schools, churches, and stores extend their parking lots to you. Cemeteries present the memories of those who have passed before us. The roadsides are picketed as far as the eye can see with the mailboxes of the homes which bordered her lanes… one can not only read the names of the residents, but actually exchange greetings. Bridges nearly touch the water. Slowing, one can peer over the low railings to see the wildlife that the rivers sustain. These roads serve up sights, smells, and sounds as a banquet for the senses.

“Neverland” is not found on the Interstate. For us the “second star on the right” is a Blue Star.
Peace! Pete Schloss
Originally posted May 25, 2015

The Next Thing

Posted on by Pete Schloss

Everyone should have a “Next Thing”. That is not to say that one should not fully enjoy the “Current Thing”, but while the “Current Thing” engages the person, the “Next Thing” engages the imagination.

As Christine and I approached retirement I became aware of the insecurity of not knowing what we would do, what our purposes would be. We began an active dialogue about what our lives would look like. It struck me that the discussions felt a lot like other times when we engaged our imaginations to visualize an upcoming event, plan, or possibility… a “Next Thing”. “Next Things” are not the “Ordinary Things” of job, bills, household. They are the larger things that excite the mind and engage the spirit. They are the things that one feels compelled to think about, talk about, even doodle about. In order to have a “Next Thing”, one must have the mindset of “how can I make that happen!”. Folks who reflexively address a new possibility with all of the reasons why it cannot or will not be, rarely have a “Next Thing”. That mindset serves only to extinguish the spark of imagination.

Individuals may have “Next Things”, but like fine dining they are best shared with someone else. Dining alone is rarely more than feeding the body while a fine meal savored with someone special nourishes the spirit. I am blessed to be married to a very good woman who is open to the possibilities of “Next Things”. At times Christine has tempered my enthusiasm for a “Next Thing”, but never smothered it. She is one who listens and brings her own perspective into play which usually adds extra dimension to mine. At times, she has opened the process with her own “What if we…”.

In 2012 we went to see a movie, “The Way”, which is about a man’s 500 mile walking journey across Spain on the Camino de Santiago. As we left the theater Christine suddenly stopped and turning to me declared, “I am going to do that!”. My reply of the moment was “Can I go too?”. Thus was born one of the larger “Next Things” in our relationship. Scarcely a day went by that we did not share our thoughts and engage our energies in planning to walk the Camino. Neither of us ever cast doubt upon the sanity of our musings and thus in 2013 the improbable became the actual. Such can be the way with “Next Things”.  (Originally Posted May 24, 2015)

This coming March, 2018 we embark upon our “Next Thing”. For those of you who enjoy following our travels, this “Next Thing” is truly exceptional. More on that in the future.

Peace Everyone! Pete

 

The Highway of Purpose

Posted on by Pete Schloss

In August of 2014 Christine and I decided to retire from our professional lives. Our “exit dates” were set for the Spring of 2015. Planning went well, however I encountered an unexpected wall of anxiety at the prospect of losing my “purpose”. The following post is from May of that year and acknowledged the unknown to come:

May 23, 2015
Forty years ago I entered upon the highway of purpose. Early on the journey I slowed for the urban congestion of law school and then accelerated, merging into the lanes of profession and parenthood. I have grown comfortable with being on this journey of purpose, adapting to the rhythm of the mile markers of mail, bills, returning phone calls, and commitment to calendar. There were occasional vacation rest stops, and even the detours of adventure, but always the return to the highway of purpose.
Since last August I have become consciously aware that purpose is a journey and not a destination. The vista of my life path is not endless and to proceed in disregard of this reality is as reckless as to ignore a flashing yellow light. The thought of retirement has been unsettling but only because of the fear of loss of purpose.
These past few months have provided me with the opportunity to reexamine and reconsider my journey. Looking up from my road map I see a sign in the distance and it reads: “Reduce Speed and Prepare to Exit, New Purpose Ahead”.
It is time for a new map.

Peace. Pete Schloss

We Choose Our Priorities

Posted on by Pete Schloss

I was recently reminded of a series of events that occurred some years ago. These events present a lesson in how we view and act upon what is “really important”.

A school nurse was confronted with an emergency involving one of her students. The student (of divorced parents) had become seriously ill and was exhibiting respiratory distress secondary to a severe allergic reaction. The nurse administered first aid to stabilize the child and called for an ambulance. The nurse then called the child’s mother and informed her of the unfolding events. The ambulance arrived and the child was turned over to the care of the EMT’s who rushed to the hospital. The child responded well to the treatment and the episode would have ended there with a “they lived happily ever after” conclusion. Except…
The following day the child’s father arrived at school and asked to see the nurse. When he entered her office he unleashed a tirade upon her for her failure to call him. When he paused to take a breath the nurse interrupted to ask, “Sir, isn’t it enough that I responded efficiently and professionally to render aid to your child? Isn’t it enough that I stabilized her and called for emergency assistance? Isn’t it enough that you can still enjoy the company of your child and that a tragedy was averted?”
The Father continued his criticism of her failure to call him, never once expressing any gratitude for the life that she had protected. He concluded with the assertion that he intended to report her to the school authorities. She asked him to please do so, and the meeting ended.

We choose our priorities. The nurse chose to intervene and (possibly) save a life. The ambulance EMT’s chose to respond to the 911 call. The hospital emergency room staff chose to continue to minister to the needs of the child. Divorced or separated parents may choose not to notify each other of their child’s emergency. Finally, the father chose to criticize the nurse’s failure to call both parents, and he also chose to withhold gratitude.

What were the motivations behind each participant’s priorities in this bit of real life drama. What are the lessons to be learned? Just asking…

Peace! Pete (Originally posted July 15, 2014)