November 4, 2022. At Valencia, Spain.

Dear Christine. As I was contemplating a title for this letter it dawned on me, this IS the last letter. 24 hours from now we will be speaking face-to-face.

It is my intention to continue publicly posting from this trip, but in writing these as “Letters to You” I found a different voice. In my heart these have really been letters written to you, just wirh our joint understanding that they were shared with others. As I continue I imagine the “voice” will change, but in what way, and with what effect? In the past have I actually been writing to “someone”, or just speaking my thoughts aloud? These are questions I would like to discuss with you when we are together.

Yesterday I would have said that hell would freeze over before I would visit another cathedral on this trip, the exception being the Sagrada Familia in Barcelona. Well, today I made myself a liar. I entered the Valencia Cathedral with the sole intention of climbing its tower. As I first gazed upon the interior I thought, “Oh what the hell!”. I said yes to the audio guide which was included as part of the admission and began the self-guided tour. I was not disappointed.

The Valencia Cathedral, or as it is more formally named, Iglesia Catedral-Basílica Metropolitana de la Asunción de Nuestra Señora de Valencia (!!!), was consecrated in the 1200s but it’s construction continued for hundreds of years thereafter. Thus it features a mixture of architectural styles.

Excavations beneath the cathedral have revealed that it was the site of an earlier Christian church, a still earlier mosque, an earlier still Visigoth temple, and beneath that a 2nd Century BCE Roman temple to Jupiter.

Visitors are able to see a portion of the excavations which include the earthly remains of worshipers from those ancient times. So much for “rest in peace“. As you will see, unearthing the dead is a common theme.

Among the things notable in the church and its adjoining museum were:

A painting by Goya of Saint Francis de Borja attempting to save a soul from the demons of hell by spraying the blood of Christ on his body.

A crucifix statue, not of Christ, but rather of the non-penitent thief who hung on the cross to Christ’s left.

The Chapel of the Holy Grail. Valencia does not hint that this “might be“ the Holy Grail, the Cathedral asserts that it IS the Grail and defies anyone to prove otherwise.

Whether or not it’s the Grail, it is a Roman stone bowl reliably dated to the first century.

I have lived 70 years and until now the “holy grail“ was just subject matter of Monty Python movie. In the last two weeks I have seen two actual claimants to the title.

By the way, the chapel itself, especially the ceiling, was amazing.

The Cathedral Museum had many works dating to the 13th century. They included stone statues of the apostles that were originally located on the cathedral’s exterior, but have since been replaced by replicas in order to preserve them from further deterioration.

The oldest painting in the cathedral was created in 1400 by a German artist. It depicts the apostle, Thomas, resolving his doubts as to the resurrection of Christ.

There is a room full of relics, literally pieces of various saints, preserved in gold and silver reliquaries. In the medieval church it was a big deal to collect and display these things for worship.

There is a chapel dedicated to the bishop, San Luis. Above the altar is a bust in his image, and within the bust for all to see is his skull and bones.

Similarly, in a niche behind the main altar Is another reliquary containing the arm of St. Vincent, patron saint of Valencia, who was martyred around the year 304.

Immediately across from his remains is the statue of The Virgin Mary of the Chair. Tradition holds that if a pregnant woman visits the statue, lights a candle, prays, and then walks around the interior of the cathedral nine times, her pregnancy will be protected. A pregnant woman walked in front of me as I was taking my picture of the statue!

Finally, there was a huge monstrance created for the veneration of the Holy Eucharist. This one was crafted in the 20th century from donations of silver by ordinary citizens of Valencia. It was meant as reparation for the sacrileges committed by troops during Spain’s Civil War (1936-1939) and contains over 1300 pounds of the precious metal.

Of course, my original purpose in visiting was to climb the 207 foot tall Miguelete Tower.

There were over 400 steps, round-trip. If nothing else this was a good test of whether or not I should defer knee surgery for the torn meniscus. There were no problems and so taking the surgery off the calendar was a good call.

You would have hated the confining spiral staircase and it’s unnaturally (to us) tall steps. The spiral narrows as you get higher in the tower so there are traffic lights at each end to allow for one-way traffic up and one-way traffic down.

The view from the top was stunning.

My reward for the successful climb and descent was a lunch of beer and tapas on the square.

There were many tour groups in the area, hinting that this was a cruise-ship day. Furthermore, German seemed to be the predominant language among these groups.

SEE YOU TOMORROW!!! Love, Me.

PS. I’m going to finish with some evening pictures from around the Cathedral Square.

November 3, 2022. At Valencia, Spain.

Dear Christine. The end is in sight… and so is the beginning.

In many ways this has been a very unique and complex journey for me. Actually, I have been on a number of separate journeys that are tightly woven together. There was my time in Lisbon and Porto. There was the Camino that I walked with Kris, and the Camino without her. There was meeting attorney and mediator Ken and his wife Bambi. I hope that they are well.

There was my time with Lynn who plans to move from New Mexico to Portugal. I continue to wear as an earring the little silver Camino shell that she gave me. There was also my time with Tina who forced me to speak German and to discover that I could.

There were the days in Santiago trying to figure out what to do next: continue to the coast and endure the monsoons, or choose not to be a prisoner to a plan. The example set by a German woman prevailed. There was the down day that I saw myself as alone and invisible. The wisdom of a Belgian woman taught me, “…it’s the adjusting to the feeling which is the most uncomfortable, not the feeling itself.” She was right, and my discomfort was short-lived.

Of course I can’t forget the evening in Santiago with Tom’s friends and their Camino friends.

Throughout it all you and I maintained daily contact, however even that came with a twist. Most of those days found us separated not only by distance, but by time.

Of course, there was “The Decision”. Today I told you of another decision, that I will return for another Camino. When, where, with or without you, children, or grandchildren, all to be decided, fate willing.

My time in Leon, Burgos, Madrid, Toledo, and now Valencia has been another phase to this journey. It ends in two days and another journey begins in Barcelona, shared with you, Wendy, and our Norwegian daughter Hege. Then comes sailing 22 days across the Atlantic.

I freely admit that I do beginnings much better than I do endings. Yesterday, today, and (likely) tomorrow are examples. I am weary of the present “tour”. I could not force myself to visit any museums, churches, or tourist sites. Instead I walked and just enjoyed being. However it appears that for a few coins one can climb to the top of the cathedral tower. That calls to me.

I engaged in some risky behavior today. I saw a barbershop and on an impulse walked in for a haircut.

I pantomimed my instructions to the barber who nodded his understanding, but his eyes said otherwise. Fortunately, his considerable skills prevailed and I walked out with a great haircut that only cost €13.

We and his partner shared a picture and smiles.

Paul the barber (R.I.P.) from Smith Center, Kansas would not have called it risky. I still remember him saying in 2010, “Don’t worry, if I make a mistake, it’ll grow back.“

How could there not be pictures for me to share?…

Not only is my hotel room incredible, but it is located in the heart of the old city within two blocks of the cathedral and main square. It’s a wonderful area.

The old city of Valencia was once surrounded by fortress walls and huge towers that protected the city gates. At least 2 of the towers remain standing.

It’s a tower, there are stairs, and so I climbed it.

Even in November the beach front is beautiful and inviting. I imagine it must be crowded with tanned bodies in the summer.

The temperature hit 76 today and some heartier souls shed most of their clothes to play in the water and on the sand.

Also, this is a cruise destination.

One vendor near the main square has created an interesting twist on ice cream waffle cones. Strange that his customers were only young females.

Sleep well… two nights to go! Love, from Me to You.

PS. Remember I commented that you can no longer tell Americans from Europeans by their shoes and clothing? The same goes for verbal exclamations. It’s common to hear, “Oh my God!“, “Wow!”, or the like, immediately followed by the local language. I’ve done more than a few double takes on hearing such expressions.

October 28, 2022. At Burgos, Spain.

Dear Christine. A few days ago I told you I had decided. You ask how I came to the choice, and why while I was walking across Portugal and Spain. Your question took me by surprise, and I’m not satisfied with the quick answer that I gave. The question has occupied my thoughts these last few days because we both deserve a thoughtful reply.

“It” has haunted and stalked me since grade school. Until playmates begin pointing it out, I gave it no mind, I was being like my mother. My dad said we both just worried too much.

In high school I was too young to legally drink alcohol, but that didn’t stop me. Friends found it curious that after a beer or two “it” temporarily disappeared. I since learned that this is a common trait.

Aptitude tests in college and my own interests pointed me in the direction of a career in medicine, but that was certainly out of the question. Instead, I became a lawyer.

I was always able to adapt. Two hands to put a key in a lock, tall beverage glasses half full or lids on coffee cups, instead of hammers and nails it was cordless drills and screws. A really good legal assistant and voice-to-text typing proved invaluable.

“It” didn’t stop me from bicycling across the United States when I was 58 or hiking with you across Spain when I was 61 and then across Portugal when I was 66. It didn’t stop me from sailing, traveling, or pursuing the things that have enriched our lives with our children and grandchildren.

This last month has been different. I am again hiking Portugal and Spain, but this time without you. “It” has become progressively worse the last few years, but the assistance that you have given me each day we are together has quietly taken up the slack in a way that I had not fully appreciated.

In your absence I see my limitations every time I look at a menu. Where I sit in a restaurant matters, as does the question of table service versus self-service. Completing information forms at the airport or hotel necessitates humility on my part and assistance from others. While I am beyond being embarrassed, I am not beyond confronting reality and the future.

I hinted at this in my earlier essay, “Alone and Invisible“:

“…I also read from the script of the possible future. We have shared over 48 years together, 45 of them as husband and wife. It is exceedingly rare that spouses draw their last breaths together. More common is the outcome visioned in the vows which begin the journey of marriage, “…until death do us part.” It was thus with my mother living alone for 11 years after dad died, and the same for your dad living 9 years without your mother. It is likely that one of us will have to embrace “alone” as a way of life.”

My mantra has always been, “Don’t put off until tomorrow the things you may then find you are unable to do.“ At 70 years old I am mindful that circumstances could arise at any time to deprive me of this decision.

So, assuming the neurologists and neurosurgeons still agree, I have decided to undergo bilateral Deep Brain Stimulation surgery (“DBS”) to treat my Essential Tremors. I have chosen this over the newer Focused Ultrasound therapy (“FUS”) because it is reversible and can be done bilaterally. While both treatments report over 90% rates of patient satisfaction and safety, DBS has a proven track record of long-term efficacy. I have weighed these factors against the usual risks of surgery and my understandable aversion to having holes drilled in my skull and implants placed in the center of my brain.

All that having been said, you are still a part of this decision and I invite your thoughts when we rejoin each other next week in Barcelona.

Love, Peter.

PS. Those of you other than my wife may wonder why I am being so public about this. It is because this condition has been “public” my entire life. It is not something I have ever been able to hide. ET is the most prevalent of neurological motion disorders in the world. ET directly impacts the lives of nearly 1 out of every 50 people. It also impacts the lives of loved ones like my wife. Fortunately, for most it is merely annoying. Unfortunately, for many like me it becomes progressive in later years and significantly effects the quality of life.

If you would like to learn more about Essential Tremors this link will provide a good start to your inquiry: National Institute of Neurological Disorders

October 26, 2022. At Burgos, Spain.

Dear Christine. The day has finally arrived and you are on a plane for Europe! Tomorrow we will find ourselves in the same time zone. There are still 10 days before we’ll be together but being on the same side of the ocean is a big step in that direction.

I arrived in Burgos this afternoon by train. The hotel is just as charming as I recall from nine years ago.

It is located on the Camino, which passes directly under my balcony, and is one of the oldest in the city having first opened its doors in 1904. At just over €50 a night it’s a real bargain.

My first order of business was to get some laundry done. The small coin operated laundromat was only two blocks away. Apparently, washing dogs in the machines is prohibited.

That task accomplished, I found a nice outdoor restaurant to enjoy an excellent pizza, a couple of beers, and a café con leche.

Three English speaking pilgrims, probably in their late 40s, were seated near me discussing their experiences on the Camino. One periodically met my eye. As they stood to leave I extended the common greeting, “Buen Camino!“. The gentleman replied, “Gracias!” to which I responded with “You’re welcome, I’m American.“ I have been wearing my beret in the evenings and the gentleman assumed I was Spanish or French. We had a good laugh.

Remember when we first began traveling in Europe in the early 80’s? It was so easy to pick out Americans. The sneakers, T-shirts, jeans, ball caps… There were so many “tells“. It’s no longer that way. American and Western European styles have blended to make nationality indistinguishable by sight alone.

Today alone I saw Harvard, Yale, and Marshall University sweaters all worn by Europeans. The same with Carhartt, Vans, and any number of other popular brands seen just as often on the streets of America as here on the streets of Spain.

However, it is easy to distinguish Camino pilgrims. It’s the shoes, the zip off pants, the haggard look that hints at near homelessness yet is contrasted with joy in the eyes and a smile on the lips. As I watched pilgrims walking interspersed among locals I found myself wishing to return again to the Camino. It would be such a joy to share this with Peter, our daughters, and/or our grandchildren.

I thought the evening beauty of Leon could not be beat, but after tonight I’m picking Burgos.

See you in my dreams. Love, Me.

PS. Dear Liz S. If you thought that the title to this post was meant as wordplay, congratulations! You know me well!

October 23, 2022. Somewhere between Santiago and Leon, Spain.

Dear Christine. I am on the train from Santiago to Leon. It is wonderfully smooth even at over 100 miles an hour. I paid an extra €10 for a first class premium seat. I’m in the 1st car which seats 14 passengers, but only two seats are occupied. It’s a fitting metaphor for feeling alone and invisible.

I’m going to defer giving you the pictures and details of my last day visit in Santiago. This will be a bit deeper.

I don’t do “alone“ well. I don’t think you know how challenging it can be for me, though there have been hints over our years together. Yes, I’ve done solo camping trips, but I’ve always managed to find human company to share portions of the experience. On the other hand, remember about 47 years ago when I took off for two weeks of solo camping in the Colorado backcountry? We had not begun living together but we were a “couple“. It was complete solitude and I lasted 10 of the 14 days. I returned to Kansas City in the deep of night, thinking it would be charming to surprise you by climbing up to your second-story bedroom balcony. Thinking back, that was one of my dumber stunts. It scared you to death and I’m damn lucky you didn’t have a gun.

During my last day in Santiago I walked the streets alone. I sat in the Cathedral alone. I visited museums alone, and I ate lunch and dinner, alone. There was respite. I enjoyed a last visit and coffee with Lynn, and exchanged pleasantries in one of the museums with a pilgrim from England. Of course, there was the business of arranging for a cab to the station and closing my bill at the hotel. There were also pleasantries with the bartender there. Except for those few interactions, I was invisible.

I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m just processing my thoughts. The feelings of “alone” generated by the day were like the plucked string of a guitar which then resonates the same note in a nearby instrument. Memories of other times “alone“ resurrected from the fog of years past.

I remembered being about five years old, waking early from my noon nap to see my mom leaving the house to visit the next door neighbor. I stood at the window, my eyes barely above the windowsill, and felt my chin quiver as I fought back tears.

I recalled my first night away at college sitting alone under a street lamp at the curb in front of my dorm. No tears, just the dark cavern of emptiness.

And of course there was that stunt at your bedroom balcony.

We have been apart 25 days. I’ve enjoyed the company others, most notably Kris, Marianne, Lynn, Tina, Ron, Kam, Leesa, and Nele. I think I communicate better with women than with men, but that’s a topic for another time.

We have spoken on the phone every day, but isn’t it curious that we have not visited even once by video? I think this has been my subconscious choice. Hearing just your voice is no different than if you were in the next room. However, video shatters the fiction of nearness as I see the backdrop of our home thousands of miles away. Of course, there is also the separation of time. I wake up when you go to sleep. I finish dinner as you begin lunch…

My thoughts were not limited to past and present. I also read from the script of the the possible future. We have shared over 48 years together, 45 of them as husband and wife. It is exceedingly rare that spouses draw their last breaths together. More common is the outcome visioned in the vows which begin the journey of marriage, “…until death do we part.” It was thus with my mother living alone for 11 years after dad died, and the same for your dad living 9 years without your mom. It is likely that one of us will have to embrace “alone” someday as a way of life.

Past, present, and future. I wonder if Charles Dickens didn’t mull thoughts such as these when he penned “A Christmas Carol”?

We have paused mid-point at a small rural station to disembark a few passengers and take on new ones. Lives connected only briefly with mine as we anonymously share a journey.

Thanks for listening. Love, Peter.